Dal and the lizard

I was sitting peacefully on the patio yesterday when a chameleon slithered across the concrete and stopped about six feet in front of me.  He rose up on his front legs and flashed his red “wattle” at me for about 15 seconds and then turned and strutted away.  I don’t know if he was challenging me and thought he had won since I didn’t react OR had put the make on me and decided that I was not a female chameleon worthy of his attention.  I have found there are some questions in life that you just cannot answer.

Tractors of death

Tractors of death

Before retirement I collected and restored classic antique tractors and consider myself fairly knowledgeable on the subject of tractors.

A 1928 John Deere model GP with a 2 cylinder gas powered engine was rated at 10 horsepower at the drawbar.  It could pull two 14 inch bottom plows at a ground speed of 2.3 MPH. through sandy or muck soils with ease.

Contrast that tractor’s capabilities to a 1972 John Deere model 4020.  It had a 6 cylinder diesel powered engine that was rated at 84 horsepower at the drawbar.  It could pull six, 16 inch bottom plows through heavy clay soils at a much faster ground speed than the “GP”.  Its drawbar pull was well over 10,000 pounds.

Nine out of ten people that have read this article so far have absolutely no idea of what I have just stated nor do they have any idea if it is true or not.  (It is)

Compare the above data statements with the current debate on guns.  Current lobbies and pressure groups with no knowledge of the subject of tractors would prohibit the possession, ownership, or use of the latter, higher capacity and greater speed, of the two tractors.  They might even frown upon the use or ownership of the tractor with the antique plowing capacities.  If all tractor technology were completely outlawed the farmer would be left with only a single bottom plow pulled by a team of horses or a yoke of oxen.  I do agree that it would be a good idea to have the farmer’s background checked to see if he has a history of mistreating animals and he might even take a course in the proper care and feeding of his oxen.

I rest my case.  Oh, I forgot, both of the tractors, (or even the oxen) in the hands of a madman are capable of causing mass mayhem and death.  Dal Wolf, Naples

Cab ride over the Mississippi

There are things that happen during your lifetime that make you forever remember a place or thing.  In my case I will NEVER forget that Davenport Iowa is right across the Mississippi river from Rock Island Illinois.  Allow me to explain.  I was on my way home from El-Paso to Ft. Wayne in April of 1961.  I was riding coach on the Santa Fe railroad.  I had not been home in some time and was really looking forward to it because Connie and I were to be married on April 22ed.

The conductor came through the car and announced there would be a half hour stop in Rock Island Illinois.  The train stopped and my buddy and I got off to stretch our legs.  I was looking at a magazine in the depot a few minutes later when I saw the train start to move out.  I dropped the magazine and bailed out of the depot and started to run after the train.  My buddy was running after me.  I saw the conductor on the back of the last car and I yelled, “stop you son of a bitch, stop”.  He just watched me as the train pulled away leaving me in the dust.  It was sort of like the old comic strip where Dagwood chases the trolley.

There was a cab driver chasing both of us yelling, “We can catch up with the train”.  I found out that the train had stopped in Davenport Iowa to let ONE passenger off.  My buddy and I paid $5 each to ride in a cab across the Mississippi river from Davenport to catch the train in Rock Island.  Geography lesson learned.  I did not un-ass my seat until we got to Chicago.  I wondered how many times that cab driver had done the same thing for some dumb shit that missed the train.

On that same trip I met a guy that invited me to his compartment.  He wanted to give me an enema. (No shit -- pun intended.)  I declined his offer but that is another story.

The Hapless Sperm

I have realized there is a whole new “group” out there that is being victimized and discriminated against by circumstances beyond its control.  That group is the male homo-sapiens sperm.  Consider that the female homo-sapiens releases one unfertilized egg per month.  The female has two fallopian tubes and that egg is released down alternate tubes each month.  Now the male sperm travels down BOTH of those tubes on its search for the egg. Alas, the many thousands of sperm that travel down the empty tube do not find an egg and are merciless condemned to an unfulfilled end.  There also exists a problem with the sperm that goes down the “right” track.  Only one of these many thousands of sperm gets to interact with the egg.  The others are left standing alone like many wallflowers at a high school dance.  Corrective action must be taken!!!!!

The answer lays, of course, in government intervention and new regulations concerning the discrimination leveled against the sperm.  There are several alternative solutions, the first of which would be to mandate that the female release one egg down each fallopian tube each month.  This would give all the sperm an equal “fighting” chance.  The second alternative would be to mandate that the female have more than one uterus. (Would that be uteri as in octopi, the plural of octopus?)   As in all government mandates and regulations there would be spare parts involved to assure redundancy in the operation system.  If only one uterus were provided, a switching mechanism would be required.  The biology of such a system would require an elaborate switching system. This part of the mandate will be left up to a “FAIRNESS TO SPERM” (FTS) committee to design.

The last and most logical system (from a government standpoint) would be to have two uteri for each fallopian tube.  This system would be known as “A PAIR AND A SPARE” (APAAS).  Exactly how this would work and what results would occur are not known but after all, “We have to pass the bill before we know what is in it”.  In my next essay I shall deal with the many thousands of sperm that are left out and discriminated against during the fertilization process.  I remain, with tongue firmly in cheek, Dal

 

Homeless

Homeless.

We built and lived in the same home for exactly 50 years.  No one had to tell us it was time to downsize, at 80 years old we knew it.  We put our house on the market and sold it at full price in four days. The realtor told us that the house being 50 years was not its best feature.  It was on a 2 acre wooded lot and had location, location, location.  

 Great you say but then we had to move.  No sweat, we had an estate sale, gave a lot of stuff to the kids and put the rest in storage.  We planned to move to our winter home in Naples, Florida until our new apartment was to be ready in April. Great planning, right?  THEN ALONG CAME HURRICANE IRMA.  Our home in Naples had minimal damage but the neighborhood was devastated. No utilities, downed trees, and some wrecked homes that had to be removed.

Our ace in the hole was our mobile home at the lake.  We moved there hoping to ride it out until the mess in Naples was cleaned up.  Then the mobile home park owner shut off the utilities because it was “end of season”.  It was then that we realized WE WERE HOMELESS.  No sweat, we just packed our suitcases and reminded our daughter that we had fed and clothed her for over 20 years, even putting her through college and it was payback time.

We are in the process of finishing up all the doctor appointments and then we will be off for the sunshine state.  Come to think of it, this whole episode would make a good soap opera story or maybe even a movie.  Someone would have to figure out how to add some sex and violence and perhaps even a few walking dead zombies.  Until then !!!!

The armadillo

School days

Today children we are going to have a combination Science and Composition class.  We will study the invasion of the nine banded armadillo and then write about what we learned.  This normally shy nocturnal creature has expanded its range from Florida as far north to just south of Nashville, Tn.  This is due to warmer weather (climate change bull crap coming at you) that has come upon us.  We are seeing many many of these poor unfortunate creatures lying at the side of the road along I-65, dead as doornails.   This is because they try to cross the road at night. (Don’t ask me, ask the chicken).  I want you children to imagine the following scenario: 

A couple and their children have been driving for 12 hours to get the children to a gulf beach for spring break and both are very tired.  All of a sudden there is a loud THUMP and the man almost loses control of the car.  The following conversation ensues:  HE.  What the XXXX was that?  SHE.  You just ran over a XXXXing armadillo.  HE.  A XXXXing what?  SHE.  You heard me, a XXXXing armadillo.  HE.  What is a XXXXing armadillo doing in Tennessee?  SHE.  Don’t ask me, it must be XXXXing climate change.  HE.  XXXX you and the climate change armadillo you rode in on.  “Needless to say, children, he slept that night with his pajama bottoms on.”  Your assignment is to add to the above exchange and express your opinions as to how we can eliminate climate change in order to save the armadillo.  Your essays are due the day after tomorrow.

 

OPINION ANALYZED

Opinion analyzed
An opinion is just an opinion until it is backed up by facts. Some readers consider the letters section of the Naples Daily News to be left-wing leaning; others think it is right wing.
One must analyze the content of the letters to the editor to make a valid determination. I have, therefore, made my own analysis of the letters section for the time of March 13 through March 18, 2017, concerning President Donald Trump. To be considered, the letter must mention Trump by name. The following breakdown is my opinion of the letters’ content:
March 13, two mildly anti-Trump letters; March 14, one anti-Trump letter; March 15, one anti-GOP cartoon and four anti-Trump letters; March 16, one pro-Trump and four anti-Trump letters; March 17, one pro-Trump and six anti-Trump letters; and March 18, one anti-administration cartoon, one pro-Trump and two anti-Trump letters.
I saw only one letter that was critical or disparaging of the former administration or any of the opposition party’s current leaders. I find it hard to believe this reflects the mood of the normally conservative Naples Daily News readers.
I would encourage any reader to make his or her own analysis of the letters content and then form an opinion.
As an afterthought, I would like to add that I have noticed there seems to be a 10-day lag between the time a letter is written (by dates provided in the letter) and the actual publication. Are letters reviewed by a third party before publication?
Dal Wolf, Naples