The year 1961

The year 1961 started out great for me.  First I got promoted to E-5 in the US Army.  Then on April 22ed I was lucky enough to marry the love of my life, Connie.  She and I went to Ft. Bliss, Tx so that I could finish my tour of duty in the Army.  Then in August of 1961 things took a turn for the worse.  Barack Hussian Obama was born on August 4th 1961.  (probably in Kenya) Then on August 13th, 1961 the Soviets built the Berlin wall.  On the 15th of August the Army politely informed me that my tour of duty was being "extended" because my MOS was classified as "critical" because the Nike Hercules missile system I was attached to had  nuclear capabilities .  April 22ed was the only positive date in 1961. 

 (I still think that Obama had something to do with the building of that wall even though he was only 9 days old at the time)

DEATH OF THE DINOSAURS

DEATH OF THE DINOSAURS

 

I watched two shows on the Science channel last night and it allowed me to solve one of the mysteries that have caused scientists to argue for years.  What killed the dinosaurs?        

The first show was about stink!!!  One of the examples was how a cow produces hydrogen sulfide and methane gas.  The narrator said that the three million cows in the U.S. produce more methane gas that all of the cars combined.  The reason for the large amount of gas was that the grass and grain eaten by the cow was converted to methane during the digestion process.    Wow!!!     

The second show was about dinosaurs.  It seems that those dinosaurs that were not eating each other were consuming large amounts of vegetation.   Are you starting to make a connection here?  Good!!  The herbivore dinosaurs produced large amounts of methane gas, the same as cows.  This has been verified by examining the coprolites (look that one up) produced by the herbivore dinosaurs.

Now for my conclusion.  Get ready for this.    The large amount of methane caused global warming.  The seas rose and all the dinosaurs drowned!!!  Just ask Algore.

I know, you think that I don’t have enough to do.  Not true.  I am just taking a break from work.

Dal

GLOBAL WARMING

Global Warming and other things that worry me.

 

There is one aspect of the global warming crises that really worries me.  No, it is not the fact that Algore will become a zillionaire because of the cap and trade that is supposed to solve the problem by taxing your tail off.  The real crisis is the methane caused by cows that pass methane gas.

The only way to allow Algore and G.E. to make money off the cow methane is to tax the cow.  I do not personally know any cow that presently pays any taxes, do you?  If you cannot tax the cow, then you must tax the owner of the cow, much the same as the government taxes your car.  The problem now arises as to how much the cow, or the cow owner should pay.

Should the tax be determined by the size of the cow, its age, or by its accessories?  Does a cow with two horns pay more than a cow with no horns?  Would black cows be exempt from the tax?  How about “green cows”?  Will they get a tax break?

  The only fair way to determine what amount the cow will pay would be to install a meter on each cow to measure the frequency of methane discharge as well as the amount of methane expelled.  G.E. could manufacture the required meters at the same time they are creating the “smart grid”

  I have a personal fear of the methane tax.  I have a tendency to eat fast and therefore swallow a lot of air.  You engineers are aware, according to Newton, that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I expel the swallowed air much in the same way a cow expels the methane.  Will I be required to wear a “methane meter” much the same as the unfortunate cow?  Will I be taxed by the cubic feet of gas expelled or will there be a “flat flatus tax” assessed?

  This causes me to really be fearful because wearing a meter would embarrass me and I would have to hide the methane meter.  I could wear a hoop skirt or a bustle to hide the meter but this has the danger of someone mistaking my modesty for sexual dysfunction.  My only out would be to wear a bourka, much like a Muslim woman.  The problem here is that if I happened to speak to a male friend and was spotted by a Muslim man, I could be stoned to death

  As you can tell, this situation really has me worried. There is another item that has me equally worried.  It is   PIG ODOR.  As I understand it is really bad in Iowa.  As I see it there are several things that could be done.  First would be to give the pigs a deodorant.  I don’t know if underarm deodorant would work as pigs do not have arms.  Someone would have to come up with an under ham and under shank deodorants or perhaps a combination of both.  This of course, would require a multi-million dollar grant from the government. The pigs could also be mandated by the government to take weekly baths.

   I have a much simpler solution to the problem but I can see why no one in government would consider it.  I would simply move the people upwind of the pigs or move the pigs downwind from the people.  Damn I am smart.    

  Turtle mortality also bothers me.  It can be a real problem in Florida.  In Florida the turtles are much like the people. They cannot read.  They tend to cross the roads where there are no crosswalks.  The result is that turtle meets tire and the result is the turtle tends to lose the encounter.  Fortunately our congress has come up with a plan to install “turtle underpasses” at strategic points along the hi-ways.  The only thing that has not been determined is how Algore can get his bread hooks on the stimulus money.  As soon as that is figured out, construction can begin.

Since I started this missile the government has come up with several new ideas; among them are the “Cash for Clunkers” program and the latest version of “Obamacare”.  God help us all!!!

KICK THE CAN

Kick the can

Last night I took the garbage can and the recycling bin out to the end of my driveway as is my usual Sunday evening custom.  As I turned to go back to the house, I saw a metal soup can (Campbell’s Tomato, 10 ¾ oz, with pull tab top) lying on top of the recycling bin.  Those of you that know me are aware that I have always been ready to do my part for the country.  I did what any patriot would do; I took the can from the recycling bin, placed it in the road and kicked it.  It felt so good to be doing my part that I kicked it again.  My neighbor saw me and called to his wife, “that crazy damned Wolf is at it again”.  I paid him no heed.  After kicking the can down the road for two blocks, I felt much better.  I knew that I had done my part to alleviate the budget crisis.

 

With tongue firmly in cheek.  Dal

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD --- WHEN

                           YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD WHEN:

The barn you watched being built when you were a little kid was recently torn down

Your son is getting bald

You look forward to your afternoon nap

You see a mother and her 20 something daughter on the beach and you check out the mother first

Your WIFE is getting wrinkles

Walking out to get the mail counts as part of your daily exercise regimen

Golf makes you tired

You cannot imagine anyone getting up at 6 AM to go to work

Your Saturday night pinochle group keeps “losing” players

Your favorite place at the pool is the hot tub

All your friends have hearing aids too

You are older than most of the trees in your yard

Your scalp is turning pink

You have these funny brown spots on your hands

The cars that used to make you salivate as a teenager can only be found at car shows

All automobiles today look alike

And finally, you sit at the computer and cannot think of more things to add to your list,    DAL

 

THE PEACOCK

The peacock

 

I thought that I had written about the peacock before, but I found no mention of it in my previous blogs – so here it is.

When I was a kid we lived on a small “hobby farm”.  It was my dad’s hobby, but I did all the shitty work.  We had many “exotic” animals, amongst them was a peacock and his mate, a peahen.  The peacock was a blue iridescent color with many paisley designs in his feathers.  He would often spread his tail feathers and admire himself.

  Once, when I was showing a high school friend the peacocks, I happened to notice that when his tail feathers were fanned out, his rectum tended to turn wrong side out and protrude about an inch and a half.  What would any 16-year-old kid do?  If you said that a normal person would just walk away, you must realize that I am NOT a normal person.  I snuck up behind the peacock and stuck my forefinger straight up his rectum.  I guess I had not thought through what the peacock’s reaction would be.

  The peacock let out a loud squawk and leaped about 10 feet.  A peacock is mostly feathers so leaping that far was an easy feat.  He hit the ground running.  I was scared that he would escape his pen, so I started to run after him.  My buddy joined the chase.  You have no idea how fast a peacock can run and then fly.  The chase was hopeless, but the peacock kept on running.  My buddy wisely left me to my fate.

  I wisely made no mention of the “poking affair” to my dad or mom.  Problem is the peacock told them.  It was raining like the devil and the peacock was back in the small woods behind the house.  He started to call for his mate and my mom heard him.  She went looking for him and found him on a tree limb about 6 feet off the ground.  He was soaked and could not fly.  Mom got a small step stool and was able to grab the peacock’s leg.  Then they both fell to the ground.  Mom brought him back to the house and threw him into the coop. She was as mad as a wet hen, just the same as the peacock.

  I won’t go into the tale of the punishment I received.  Let’s just say it was a lesson well learned.  A short time later dad got rid of the peacock.  I have never poked a peacock in the ass since then.

Leaving Egypt.

You may recall that I wrote a story some time back about Moses and the Jews leaving Egypt and the trials and tribulations they suffered during their time of enslavement in Egypt. But there is more to the story. So here we go:

 

  The whole thing started in western Libya when a camel train with 100 tons of bat guano fertilizer was derailed in the middle of the Sahara. Then a freighter load of herbicides, pesticides and hybrid seed got stranded in Alexandria Egypt because it ran out of bunker oil. The boat was raided by a bunch of mafia thugs and the grain carted off to Sicily to make whiskey.  The bunker oil needed to get the boat under way could not be imported from Russia because of Putin’s war.

  The Egyptians planted what seed they had left over from the last year’s harvest.  It was not a hybrid seed, so, combined with the lack of the bat guano fertilizer, the output was small, and the people were starving.  The bugs and weeds were overtaking everything because of the lack of chemical control.  To top that all off a red dye factory upstream in Ethiopia on the Nile suffered a catastrophic leak in a storage tank and the Nile turned red.  That dye was meant to be used to give the Burka worn by all Muslim women in Egypt its distinctive red color.  The factory never recovered and since that time the standard burka has been dyed black

  The P-Man was at his wits end and the soldiers and the people were restless.  The P-man gave the soldiers the day off, so they took their horses for a swim in the Red Sea.  They did not bother to take along any life vests and We all know how that turned out.  After the swimming debacle the P-Man canceled plans for a Labor day holiday for the citizens. 

There were also several boat loads of granite being shipped from Vermont that were meant to finish off the top of the Great Pyramid. Those boats were torpedoed by a German U-boat in the Atlantic just off the Iberian Peninsula. Fortunately, many of the sailors were rescued by the Free French resistance fighters.

I remain, With tongue firmly in cheek,  Dal               There is still much more to the story