The tooth fairy (person)

Believe it or not at my advanced age, I lost a baby tooth last week.  Being a true believer in the Tooth Fairy, I placed it under my pillow fully expecting the customary quarter the next morning.  Imagine my surprise when I found not only a $20 bill but a full set of dentures.  Puzzled I called on the Tooth Fairy for an explanation.  The Tooth Person (politically correct, you know) appeared driving a government issued limo.  I asked why I had been given all this “stuff” when I only expected a quarter.  The Tooth Fairy (person) looked at me like I was from the dark ages and said, “This is our policy now that we have a benevolent health care government in Washington”.  “But”, I protested, “I did not need the full set of dentures and furthermore they looked as though they had been used and cannot possibly fit me.”  The Tooth Person looked at me with a pained expression and said, “We took them away from that Rich Guy down the street.”  “He can afford to buy a new set and this is the way it is done now”

All more the puzzled I asked,” Don’t dentures cost a lot and since government rationing went into effect won’t he will have to wait six (6) months before he can get a dental appointment”.  “How is he going to get by in the meantime?”  Now the Tooth Person was running out of patience and explained, “He can get government issued soft cheese in the void between workable dentures”. “It’s all part of the income redistribution, you know”.

Frustrated, I wailed, “I have a $20 bill that I don’t need, an unworkable set of new teeth that I cannot possibly use unless I have the rest of my teeth removed, and the guy down the street has no teeth”. “How is that fair”?  “Who said it was meant to be fair snarled the Tooth Person”?  “We can set you up with that appointment in six months to have your teeth pulled so that you can wear the non-fitting dentures we left you and can then set you up with another appointment in another six months to have an impression for a new set of teeth”. “Six months after that you can expect to get your new teeth”.  “That is not bad at all for our new system”.

Now at my wits end I wailed, “Can’t I just have my old tooth back”?  “Sorry”, said the tooth person. “No returns”. “We had to hire an additional 10,000 additional Teeth People (fairies) just to handle the current backlog”.

With tongue firmly in cheek, (and minus a tooth) Dal

 

 

Obama Speak

Obama Speak

As one that has had extensive experience in analyzing Methods and work measurements in minute detail, I feel fully qualified to describe the method in which the President would deliver the nursery rhyme, MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.  Please bear with me and I shall go through the delivery step by step.

First, he would raise his chin and look 30 degrees to the right and purse his lips.  He would then pause for a half second and say in measured tones, “MARY HAD”

He would turn his head 60 degrees to the left, lower his chin and raise his eyes.  He would then speak in a slightly faster tone, “A LITTLE LAMB”.  The word LAMB would be delivered with an immediate halt with the chin moved to a neutral position.

 He would then drop his chin a bit further and turn back to the right.  Raising his arm 90 degrees from the elbow, he would point his finger out in space; shake the finger vigorously; raise his chin, and shout, “AND EVERYWHERE THAT MARY WENT”.

He would then evoke a slightly longer pause and lower his chin again and turn his head back 60 degrees to the left and say, “THE LAMB WAS SURE”.  This would be followed by and abrupt halt in speaking.

He would then turn back 60 degrees to the right; look straight ahead and say in a hushed tone, “TO GO”.  This would be followed by a further lowering of the chin and another pursing of the lips.

At this time the audience would cheer wildly and the president would smile a toothy smile.  I must warn you that if you attempt to duplicate the president’s speech pattern, you must be cautious to keep the head turns in order.  Failure may result in your breaking your neck.

I did not forget IT'S FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOW.  This blog is politically correct.

With tongue firmly in cheek, Your faithful observer, Dal

Crossing the Mississippi

Mississippi River

I watched a program recently about the Mississippi river on the National Geographic Channel.  The first thing it showed was the headwaters of the river.  That amounted to a lake spillway in Minnesota.  There were rocks placed across the spillway and people were actually walking on the rocks to cross the river.

That reminded me of the time I almost walked across the Mississippi.

In early April 1961 I was on my way home from Ft. Bliss, Texas on the Santa Fe railroad.  (Air planes hadn’t been invented yet).  Connie and I were getting married on the 22ed and I was anxious to get home.

The conductor came through the coach and announced there would be a 15 minute stop at DAVENPORT, IOWA.  The train slowed to a halt and I got out to stretch my legs.  I was in the depot about three minutes later when I saw the train start to depart.  What the heck, it had not been fifteen minutes!!  I ran out of the depot and started to chase the train down the track.  It was almost like Dagwood Bumstead chasing the early morning trolley to work.  I was yelling, “stop you %$#&*, stop!”  It didn’t stop.  It is just plain amazing how fast a passenger train can accelerate.

After I gave up chasing the train, I heard someone behind me shouting, “We can catch them”.  It was a cab driver.  He explained that the train also stopped a few miles outside of Davenport for a few minutes.  Why, I didn’t ask.  He offered to take me across the river in his cab for the meager sum of $10. (1961 dollars).  Who was I to decline the offer?  We sped across the Mississippi River to ROCK ISLAND ILLNOIS on the other side of the Mississippi River.  We made it to the depot in Rock Island in plenty of time because the train was occupied in its stop in DAVENPORT, IOWA.   It certainly gives you a lesson in geography.

I boarded the train, found my seat, and didn’t get out of that seat till we got to Chicago.  I wonder how many times that cab driver made the same trip across the Mississippi.  True story.

 

Ancient democrats

Early democrats

After a great amount of study and deep thought I have come to the conclusion that the ancient Jews were all democrats.  I Know, I know, you are thinking,”Dal just does not have enough to do”. Or “that Idiot is at it again”!!  The insults and barbs aside, I shall strive to prove my point.

Let us consider what led the early Jews to Egypt.  Things were pretty bad where they were and they were starving so they journeyed to Egypt to find if things were any better.  They approached the Pharaoh and asked for food.  The Pharaoh said, “well OK but you are going to have to work by helping build my tomb and  I will give you food stamps to take care of your hunger.  The Jews were starving so they agreed.  Everyone was happy.

Soon the Jews asked for free housing and rent subsidies.  The P-man said, “Well I guess that I can afford that”.  The Jews built what is called a GET-OH (in Egyptian).  All parties were satisfied until one of the Jews fell sick.  All chanted, “We want free health care”. “We want free health care”.  The P-man was a generous sort so he said, “OK, We can call it medieval care   this was soon changed because the Jews thought the term had a bad connation.  The evil sound was eliminated thus changing the term to Medicare.  And everyone was filled with joy.  Well almost everyone.

After a few (???) Generations the Jews forgot why they had come to Egypt in the first place and complained that they were being held hostage as slaves.  They were unhappy campers.  They felt the P-man had them work way too many hours and did not pay them any more for time that exceeded what they considered a normal amount.  They wanted “time over”.  This was soon changed to overtime.  The P-man agreed to pay the time over and everyone was happy.  Well almost.

As you know it is hot and dry in Egypt and air-conditioning had not been invented yet.  The only way to keep cool was to have someone fan you with a palm frond.  Each of the Jews wanted to be fanned by his own personal “fan man”.  The P-man refused saying it would bite into his tomb profits.  Everyone was unhappy.

The Jews countered by forming what ,in Egyptian, was called a Yoon-yan.   This organization was controlled by a Yoon-yan leeder        The Yoon-yan leeders main activity was to stir up trouble among the Jews.  He convinced the Jews that they wanted and needed extra benefits like time away from the tomb.  There were hard negotiations but the P-man gave in and allowed Va-ka-shuns.  This allowed them time to visit such attractions as the Sphinx and the Pyramids.  They were not able to go see the Aswan dam and Lake Nasser because they had not been built as yet.  Vacation time was controlled by the Yoon-yan-leeder.  This made some of the tomb builders, or May-suns unhappy.  They were called May-suns because they only wanted to work in the spring when it was cool, not the summer.

The Yoon-yan called for a Sick but soon realized if he called  an illegal sick the P-man would not allow them medieval care.  Before the word could be carved in stone, two letters were added in the middle and it thus became a Strick  This term changed over the millennium to become , as we know it today, a Strike  Now the P-man was unhappy.  He had had enough.  He was tired of the old chant, “Let my people go”, so he did.  He ran them out of town.   The Jews coined a term for this.  They called it an X-oh-dis The last syllable was meant to dis the P-man.

There was some talk about the P-mans guys getting drowned but my theory is that they just went for a swim with their horses.

There you have it, with tongue firmly in cheek, Dal’s version of history

Dall hits a home run

Dal hits a home run

A year ago I was watching a T.V. commercial with one eye open, half way paying attention.  This guy gave a girl some flowers for some reason or other.  She got a syrupy look on her face.  He had a grin.  The ad showed them fading away.  At the last moment, he turned around and winked.  I thought it was a silly ad but then realized that Connie and I had a 50^th wedding celebration to go to on Saturday night and I had not as yet arranged for flowers

Quick as a cat, I did what any man would do in the same situation.  (Order flowers?  You gotta be kidding).  I called my daughter, Tammie, to do the deed.  I told her what Connie would be wearing. (A pale off-white dress with a black “floral” design and a cutaway yellow sweater).  Tammie ordered a white rose corsage surrounded by baby’s breath flowers.

When they were delivered Saturday afternoon Connie was surprised, yea shocked, that I would remember to get her flowers.  I acted shocked that she was shocked.  Then she reminded me that the only other times that I had bought her flowers was when the kids were born and that would have made the last time in November of 1968.  Why is it that women have such a keen memory about flowers?

Saturday evening we rode down to the clubhouse in style in my golf cart.  (High heels you know) No, not on me, on Connie.  We were seated by our own private hostess.  Later, after a prayer and the usual song by an over the hill singer, we had our premarital histories read to the audience.  We had been subjected to a two hour interview a week or so ago so I had the chance to slip in quite a few lies.  Of the four couples honored, ours got the most applause and laughs.  After the “history” we were given a chance to say a few words.  Connie thanked everyone for putting on such a nice event and commented on several different things about the evening.  When it was my turn, I just said that I echoed Connie’s feelings and after fifty years, knew better than to add anything

It really was a fun event.

Dal

Places and things

Recently I received an e-mail asking about things I have done, seen, and experienced.  I decided to make my own list and see how many people can relate.  Here is my list.

Born at home in a borrowed bed on a national holiday

Used an outdoor John on a regular basis.

Kicked over a chamber pot while fighting with my brother

Spent several years being educated in a one room country school

Getting a bath in a galvanized wash tub in the same water used to bathe my brother.

Sat around a pot bellied stove to keep warm

Thought that hot water only came from a teakettle.

Watched my mother cook on a woodstove.

Brought water in the house from an outside pump.

Used a common dipper to drink that water.

Milked a goat.

Painted a barn roof.

Painted that same barn

Hauled manure

Harnessed a horse

Baled hay

Goosed a peacock

Joined the Army

Went to Juarez Mexico and drank tequila.

Watched a bullfight.

Went to a “house of ill fame” and ran out the door after realizing it wasn’t just a bar.

Never used a cell phone.

Owned three motorcycles.

Met the best girl in the world, married her, and stayed with her over 50 years.

Know a felow that is 104 years old.

Been spit at.

Never knew my grandparents.

Worked for the same company for over 40 years.

Retired at 59

Own a tricked out golf cart.

Restored seven tractors

Created a starting system for crank type tractors

Smashed the same thumb two years in a row.

Raised two kids that both have good jobs.

Experienced many other uninteresting things

Big words - butcher a cow

 Sometimes a few simple words can replace several paragraphs of mumbo-jumbo.  The following is an example of how letters to the editor can be shortened, simplified and unneeded words eliminated.

As A youth during my second decade I resided on an expansive plantation midway between Chicago and Cleveland.  There was an annual rite performed between the autumnal equinox and winter solstice that usually involved a gathering of family and friends.  This rite required the dislocation of a selected bovine herbivore from its compatriots.  It was removed to a remote location for further operations.

The first element of the process was to render the selected bovine unconscious.  This was accomplished with a rapid discharge of high voltage administered to the temporal lobe.  The animal was then exsanguinated and eviscerated.  Its outer body covering was removed and placed aside for later processing.

After a period of time when the enthalpy and entropy were in the proper balance, and the ambient temperature at a correct level, the herbivore was dismembered and stored in a proper environment for further processing.

Translation:  We butchered a cow in the fall.

Dal Wolf  Naples

world politics

World Politics

Circa 1982 a friend and I were having a conversation about world politics.  He was an economist, bean counter and I was an engineer.  We both worked for a multinational corporation that employed close to 10,000 people in three plants in our area.  Knowing nothing about economic policy, I felt fully qualified to discuss the subject of trade with him.

His stand was that since Nixon had visited China, relations with that country would thaw and we would start to have business with the Chinese.  His theory was that we would try to raise the economic status of the Chinese and thus avoid conflict and lower the cold war tension and the possibilities for war.  After all, a person with a full belly and change in his pocket would be less belligerent and try to make more economic gains.   My theory was that he was full of condensed nonsense clear up to his eyebrows.

Since that time all three plants have been shuttered and the 10,000 jobs have disappeared and have gone to India, Mexico, and yes, China.  You can decide for yourself which of us was correct.

Dal Wolf, Naples

Snake in Naples

Snake in Naples.

Not having much to do this past week, I decided to lay new tile in the small bathroom. (Yes, we have two baths).  The first thing to do was remove the stool.  This amounted to draining, unhooking the water, and emptying the tank.  I then unbolted the stool and placed it in the shower stall and removed the bathroom door.   So far so good.  The next step was to remove the old tile.  Murphy’s Law came into play.  Of course there was a small portion of the flooring that needed to be replaced.  Having the time, I decided to remove and replace the whole floor with ¾ inch treated plywood.  Nothing but the best is a good rule to follow.

After the flooring was removed I had had enough for one day so I decided to call it quits until the next day.  Enter the supervisor of things bath related.  The supervisor decided that varmints of all kinds could find their way into the bathroom floor that was no longer there.  The supervisor decided that I should cover the floor with a tarp and blockade the door opening with the door I had removed.  No big deal so I complied.  Nothing larger than a small raccoon could now wiggle through the remaining openings.  Not a good thing to argue with the supervisor.  After the extra chores were completed I retired to “happy hour” since I was already late for that festive time of the day.  I planned to take the next day off and let my sore and skinned knees heal before returning to my now expanded project.  Silly me, you know the old saying “the best laid plans of mice and men”.

The next morning, right after my first cup of coffee, I heard a shriek from the kitchen that could only mean one thing, either a mouse or snake had been sighted somewhere in the vicinity.  I immediately sprung into action to see the cause.  It happened to be a small (Florida protected) black snake on the patio.  I was dispatched to rid the critter from the area.  Now put yourself in the snake’s position.  What would you do if you were being charged by a bellowing water buffalo wielding a 2 X 4?  That is correct; you would remove yourself from the area as fast as your legs could carry you.  Unfortunately, snakes do not have legs and the patio was slick from the morning dew.  The snake took off like a ruptured duck in a briar patch or, if you prefer, a scalded dog.  His lack of traction looked similar to a hot rodder burning rubber with bent rear wheels.  The snake made it to the safety of the grass, but I threw the 2 X 4 anyway just to make a good impression on the supervisor as she was peeking at the scene from the safety of the sliding glass door.  I thought that I had handled the situation in a macho manner and could let the case rest.  Silly me, that was not the situation.

As I reentered the house, I found the supervisor staring at the bathroom floor.  Being married to her for over 50 years I knew what that meant.  No rest for Dal today.  I didn’t say a word but started the job of getting the floor recovered with plywood.  That took all day.  Now my knees were really skinned up. (It is Florida and everyone wears shorts)  After the job was completed the supervisor came to inspect the job.  Did she say, “Good job” or even, “looks nice” You gotta be kidding.  She made sure that not even a bug smaller than a hibiscus beetle could get into the bathroom.  She then asked, “When are you going to put down the tile?”

I get no respect.        Dall