Translation

I am really surprised that there is such uproar about the sign translator that was employed by South Africa during the recent memorial service for Nelson Mandela.  People complained that his gestures were complete gibberish.  Being somewhat knowledgeable about signing I can state that nothing could be further from the truth.  Almost everything that President Obama said during his address was signed clear as a bell.  For example:

The first thing that the president did was to quote George H.W. Bush when he said, “Read my lips”.  Did you not catch that?  The second quotation was from one of his many speeches, i.e.  “If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance”.  I thought the translator nailed that one spot on.  The next one was again from one of his speeches.  I did not catch it all but I did see “most transparent administration”.  The fellow doing the signing was giggling so much that his movements were a bit blurred.

Last but certainly not least was the quotation from Bill Clinton’s statements before the congress during his impeachment proceedings, “I did not have sex with that woman”.  I am sure that if you view one of the many reruns we have seen of the translator you will surely agree with me.

Dal

Situation in Syria

The current administration policy in Syria reminds me of a joke I remember from long ago when I was a kid.  It seems there was a farmer that had a pet goat and a pet monkey.  The animals were good pals and the farmer kept them in a pen together.  It seems that the goat developed a bad case of diarrhea.  The farmer, not wanting to make a mess of things and to also protect the monkey, placed a corncob in the goat’s rectum.  Problem solved?  No, it seems the corncob caused extreme pressure on the goat’s lower bowels.  The monkey, being a curious animal and somewhat playful, grabbed the corncob and removed it from the goat’s rear.  Get ready for this!!

The last scene showed the goat chewing it’s cud with a relieved expression on its face.  The monkey was holding one hand over his eyes and blindly stabbing the air with the corncob attempting to replace it in the goat’s rectum.

Can you draw a better analogy? 

twerking

I am sure that the term ‘TWERKING” has you confused as it does me since we learned of it due to a dance performed by Myley Cyrus.  I consulted my trusty American Heritage dictionary for some help.  I could not find the term “twerking” but I did find several similar words starting with “TW “that may shed some light on the subject.

 

First there is the work TWERP.  That is defined as a small person.

Next there is TWIDDLE.  That is described as “to twirl or rotate without purpose”

Then there is the word TWEAK.  That definition is to “twist sharply”

Lastly there is TWINGE.  That is a sharp sudden pain.

 

From the above I think it is only fair to say that TWERKING is the act of a small person rotating without purpose while twisting sharply resulting in sharp sudden pain

 

Glad to be able to clear that up.   Dal

Gun Control

Dal Wolf, Naples
Tools of foolishness
I read with interest the article about universal gun registration in the letters to the editor in Thursday’s edition of the Daily News.
The letter did not go far enough in the effort to register weapons!
It is known that baseball bats, hammers and even screwdrivers cause more violent deaths each year than do handguns in the hands of their rightful owners. Should we then not register those weapons?
We could even place restrictions on the number of blows possible by those weapons. A baseball bat would only be able to be swung one time each 30 seconds without an automatic timer being reset. A hammer could be set to only administer two or three blows without being reset.
This might be unhandy for a carpenter, but then he might be allowed a special dispensation. There could even be a special level of licensing for tack hammers, carpenter hammers and sledge hammers. Screwdrivers could be adjusted to only function in a rotational motion.
The problem is that any of the above weapons, in the hands of someone bent on a violent action would be worthless, as would a universal licensing of all firearms by the federal government.

© 2013 Naples Daily News. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

The tooth fairy (person)

Believe it or not at my advanced age, I lost a baby tooth last week.  Being a true believer in the Tooth Fairy, I placed it under my pillow fully expecting the customary quarter the next morning.  Imagine my surprise when I found not only a $20 bill but a full set of dentures.  Puzzled I called on the Tooth Fairy for an explanation.  The Tooth Person (politically correct, you know) appeared driving a government issued limo.  I asked why I had been given all this “stuff” when I only expected a quarter.  The Tooth Fairy (person) looked at me like I was from the dark ages and said, “This is our policy now that we have a benevolent health care government in Washington”.  “But”, I protested, “I did not need the full set of dentures and furthermore they looked as though they had been used and cannot possibly fit me.”  The Tooth Person looked at me with a pained expression and said, “We took them away from that Rich Guy down the street.”  “He can afford to buy a new set and this is the way it is done now”

All more the puzzled I asked,” Don’t dentures cost a lot and since government rationing went into effect won’t he will have to wait six (6) months before he can get a dental appointment”.  “How is he going to get by in the meantime?”  Now the Tooth Person was running out of patience and explained, “He can get government issued soft cheese in the void between workable dentures”. “It’s all part of the income redistribution, you know”.

Frustrated, I wailed, “I have a $20 bill that I don’t need, an unworkable set of new teeth that I cannot possibly use unless I have the rest of my teeth removed, and the guy down the street has no teeth”. “How is that fair”?  “Who said it was meant to be fair snarled the Tooth Person”?  “We can set you up with that appointment in six months to have your teeth pulled so that you can wear the non-fitting dentures we left you and can then set you up with another appointment in another six months to have an impression for a new set of teeth”. “Six months after that you can expect to get your new teeth”.  “That is not bad at all for our new system”.

Now at my wits end I wailed, “Can’t I just have my old tooth back”?  “Sorry”, said the tooth person. “No returns”. “We had to hire an additional 10,000 additional Teeth People (fairies) just to handle the current backlog”.

With tongue firmly in cheek, (and minus a tooth) Dal

 

 

Obama Speak

Obama Speak

As one that has had extensive experience in analyzing Methods and work measurements in minute detail, I feel fully qualified to describe the method in which the President would deliver the nursery rhyme, MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.  Please bear with me and I shall go through the delivery step by step.

First, he would raise his chin and look 30 degrees to the right and purse his lips.  He would then pause for a half second and say in measured tones, “MARY HAD”

He would turn his head 60 degrees to the left, lower his chin and raise his eyes.  He would then speak in a slightly faster tone, “A LITTLE LAMB”.  The word LAMB would be delivered with an immediate halt with the chin moved to a neutral position.

 He would then drop his chin a bit further and turn back to the right.  Raising his arm 90 degrees from the elbow, he would point his finger out in space; shake the finger vigorously; raise his chin, and shout, “AND EVERYWHERE THAT MARY WENT”.

He would then evoke a slightly longer pause and lower his chin again and turn his head back 60 degrees to the left and say, “THE LAMB WAS SURE”.  This would be followed by and abrupt halt in speaking.

He would then turn back 60 degrees to the right; look straight ahead and say in a hushed tone, “TO GO”.  This would be followed by a further lowering of the chin and another pursing of the lips.

At this time the audience would cheer wildly and the president would smile a toothy smile.  I must warn you that if you attempt to duplicate the president’s speech pattern, you must be cautious to keep the head turns in order.  Failure may result in your breaking your neck.

I did not forget IT'S FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOW.  This blog is politically correct.

With tongue firmly in cheek, Your faithful observer, Dal

Crossing the Mississippi

Mississippi River

I watched a program recently about the Mississippi river on the National Geographic Channel.  The first thing it showed was the headwaters of the river.  That amounted to a lake spillway in Minnesota.  There were rocks placed across the spillway and people were actually walking on the rocks to cross the river.

That reminded me of the time I almost walked across the Mississippi.

In early April 1961 I was on my way home from Ft. Bliss, Texas on the Santa Fe railroad.  (Air planes hadn’t been invented yet).  Connie and I were getting married on the 22ed and I was anxious to get home.

The conductor came through the coach and announced there would be a 15 minute stop at DAVENPORT, IOWA.  The train slowed to a halt and I got out to stretch my legs.  I was in the depot about three minutes later when I saw the train start to depart.  What the heck, it had not been fifteen minutes!!  I ran out of the depot and started to chase the train down the track.  It was almost like Dagwood Bumstead chasing the early morning trolley to work.  I was yelling, “stop you %$#&*, stop!”  It didn’t stop.  It is just plain amazing how fast a passenger train can accelerate.

After I gave up chasing the train, I heard someone behind me shouting, “We can catch them”.  It was a cab driver.  He explained that the train also stopped a few miles outside of Davenport for a few minutes.  Why, I didn’t ask.  He offered to take me across the river in his cab for the meager sum of $10. (1961 dollars).  Who was I to decline the offer?  We sped across the Mississippi River to ROCK ISLAND ILLNOIS on the other side of the Mississippi River.  We made it to the depot in Rock Island in plenty of time because the train was occupied in its stop in DAVENPORT, IOWA.   It certainly gives you a lesson in geography.

I boarded the train, found my seat, and didn’t get out of that seat till we got to Chicago.  I wonder how many times that cab driver made the same trip across the Mississippi.  True story.