Florida controversy

There has been a really heated battle being waged in Collier County, Florida.  It really would not be very serious to the outsider but those that live here have drawn heated battle lines and are ready to slug it out, verbally, physically, and in court, if necessary.  The whole battle centers on a County mascot.  I know that seems trivial but to the natives it is dead serious.

The two sides have different ideas about the proper animal to be elevated to the level of “supreme adorable creature”.  One side favors the Florida Manatee.  The other side favors the Florida Panther.  The manatee is a quiet creature that swims slowly along in fresh water eating underwater vegetation.  They favor warm water and can be found in large groups around power plant discharges of heated water.  They can often be mistaken by black floating garbage bags.  Early sailors mistook them for mermaids.  Talk about being hard up!!!

The Florida Panther is a reclusive creature.  It is seldom seen except as road kill.  They have a nasty habit of jaywalking instead of using marked cross walks to cross a road.  They eat just about anything that moves, crawls, or walks.  Panther backers are passionate in their defense of their choice of animal.

In my own humble opinion neither the manatee nor panther qualify as the perfect mascot for Florida since neither one is known to all natives and non-natives alike.  My choice is one that almost everyone encounters in their daily travels about the County.  My choice is a speeding garbage truck, driven by an illegal alien, speeding through a red light.

Dal

My neighbors dog

Several years ago my next door neighbor had a dog that took great joy in pooping.  Problem was the dog would venture just over the lot line and poop in my yard.  In itself that would not have been so bad but it was hell when I would run through it with my lawnmower. That poop that did not get sprayed away seemed to get stuck on my mower wheels.  This caused great irritation to my olfactory senses.

I finally confronted my neighbor and told him that his dog was pooping in my yard.  “Where” said he?  I pointed to a recent pile of poop just to show him what I was complaining about.  He bent over the pile of poop, inspecting it carefully and said, “That is not my dogs poop”.  Now how, I ask you can you respond to a statement like that?  One cannot argue with someone that so intimately knows his dog.

I did the only possible thing.  Every time I found a new deposit of HIS dogs poop I simply got my trusty fire shovel, scooped it up, and flung it as far into his yard as possible.  Sometimes it would even hit a tree and stick to the bark.  I wonder if he ever questioned what position his dog got into to deposit poop high in a tree.

Dal

The Mud Puddle

THE MUD PUDDLE

During the 1955-56 school years at Garrett HS., Dal Wolf decided to take Speech class because he thought bloviating would be easier than actually having to study.  With a name like Wolf, he was, as usual, seated in the last row.  This was blatant segregation but he did not know that at the time.

  There was a girl in the class named Jo (whose last name shall remain a mystery) but she did not show up on the first day of class.  When she did appear the next day the only seat available was next to, uggg, Dal Wolf.  OMG, no one wanted to sit next to Wolf, a fate worse than death.  He was known to associate with other low-life creatures of a similar bent.  Jo reluctantly sat next to Wolf but kept a wary eye on him.

During the course of the year, Dal and Jo got to know each other a bit better and Jo decided that Dal wasn’t such a bad creature after all.  He was a bit better than pond scum, but not by much.

                                                                Then it happened!!!

Dal and Jo were having an active conversation about (God knows what) when Dal innocently started to rub Jo’s arm.  Jo gave Dal a look that said, “hey fellow, what rock did you crawl out from under?”  Needless to say, Dal was embarrassed so he did the only possible thing.  He crawled back under his rock.

As fortune would have it, Dal was able to redeem himself a few days later.  On her way to class Jo stumbled into a mud puddle and got her shoes and socks wet.  Dal, seeing a damsel in distress rode up on his white charger and---(oops, wrong story line).  Dal being a perfect gentleman of sterling character, (I like that line better but it is still too heroic).   Dal, slogging along, looking for stray nickels on the ground as was his custom (more the truth) offered to take Jo home so that she could change her socks.  This action raised his status two or three notches above pond scum.  Such an elevation in high school is not to be taken lightly!!!

The trip to and from Jo’s house took some time and as a result both She and Dal were late for class.  Since Jo’s dad was on the school board, she was immediately given a pass to go to class.  Dal, having incurred the wrath of the administration on several other occasions, was held for further investigation and later an interrogation. Thumb screws, among other methods of torture, were used to extract an admission of guilt of some nefarious action.  Dal was finally able to convince the administration (using mostly lies) that he did not push Jo into the mud puddle nor did he create the puddle. Proving his innocence was a hard sell.  Nevertheless Dal pulled it off.

All ended well.  Dal was not put into detention nor was he expelled from school.  His car was not impounded and he was finally given a pass to go back to class.

With tongue in cheek, Dal

Islam

ISLAM     I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND IT

There are many things that puzzle me about Islam.  First of all, why do all Muslim men have beards and wear towels around their heads?  Are their faces and heads cold?  Why do Muslim women wear “one size fits all” mu-mus with face guards.  Are most of them bee-keepers and the gowns are for protection from the bees or something else?

What does “alla-akbar” mean?  I know that “AK” is short for AK-47 and that “BAR” is short for Browning Automatic Rifle.  Does that mean that God is armed to the teeth?  And what about “infidel”?  Fidel is the leader of Cuba.  Does the word mean that we are “in” Cuba or “in” Fidel.  The whole thing really has me wondering.

And what about the “72 Virgins” bit.  How can some idiot commit homicide and get 72 virgins as a reward?  How are there that many virgins?  Do they recycle them?  How are they issued?  Does Mo-ham-ed personally hand them over?  Does he have an inventory of virgins?  Does the towel head get to select the ones he wants or they issued by serial number?  How does he know they are really virgins in the first place?  Does he get to check or does he just take Mo-ham-ed’s word for it.  Does seniority among virgins count?

As I said at the first, the whole thing has me puzzled.   Dal

Math Today

Today’s mathematicians use the Arabic system of numbers.  Some ancient numbering systems did not have the concept of “0” (zero) so they could only count to nine and had no way of expressing “none”. Perhaps it was just a shrug of the shoulders.  Then some bright guy invented “0” (zero) and the world has gone downhill from there.  Man could then express higher numbers.  This led to a new problem called “inflation”.  Politicians have used this system for years, much to the determent of the general population.  There exists a theory that the Arabic system was created using a series of acute angles.  The number (1) was a vertical line with a hook at the top.  The number (2) looked like the letter “Z” (2 acute angles).  The number (5) was constructed like a square capital “S” with a hook on the bottom leg.  Etc, etc.  The “0” was an oval with no angles

The Romans had a different numbering system that used letters in place of numbers rather than the Arabic system that used unique symbols.  This letter system surely caused the downfall of the Roman Empire and disinterest by many of the superbowl football game.

Getting back to the Arabic system; The symbols for adding (+) and subtracting (-), not to mention many other obscure symbols, led to a host of problems for the common man.  By using the “+” sign a seller could add such things as, “shipping and handling” and “sales tax” to increase the price of an item.  This led to the practice used by the consumer called “shopping around”. The seller also used the (-) sign to confuse the buyer.  The seller would price some item at an outrageous price and then mark a hundred Kopeks off the price.  This led to the buyer still purchasing a commodity at an inflated price but thinking that he got his shekels worth. (The dollar had not yet been created by the Federal Reserve)

The use of mathematics as described above led to more and more confusing practices.  First was the process of “carrying”. A series of numbers with a sum greater than ten could be calculated by using this nefarious system. Multiplication was next.  It used a system known as “times”, not to be confused with the plural of time.  Worst of the entire “simple” math systems was long division.  To do this procedure, one had to know his/her “gozentos” (example: two goes into five 2 times).  Really strange!!!   All this confusion led to a thing encountered in about the fifth grade of elementary school.  It was called the “story problem”.  An example of a story problem is as follows.  How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.  Everyone with a mathematical bent knows that the answer is “3” but this was lost on many pupils.  This led to a form of education called “liberal arts”

We are not done as yet.  Some odd-ball invented a thing called “algebra”.   That sounds like a garment containing pond scum.  Come to think about it that may not be far off the mark.  How on earth can         X = AB?     X=X   or AB=AB.   How can it be otherwise? Beats me.  You learned the quadric equation in algebra class.  How long has it been since you have used it?  The same can be said about “factoring”

Wait, there is more!!  Sir Isaac Newton got it right with gravity but he missed the boat on Calculus.  How can 2 numbers separated by a vertical squiggly line followed by a bunch of incomprehensible drivel amount to anything

Enough ranting.   Dal

My First Kiss

Dal’s First Kiss.

In order to set this “distortion of the truth” in the correct format, it is necessary to give a background setting first.   In high school I was considered a “nerdy farmer”.   After a year I was upgraded to “pond scum”.  Such a rise in status is not to be taken lightly.

Between my sophomore and junior years I worked on new home construction (75 cents/hr).  I learned to pound a nail or two and use a new invention called a “skilsaw”.  These skills served me well when it came time for the junior – senior prom late in the year.  The “committee” wanted to have several things made.  One was a façade surrounding a basket ball backboard that was supposed to mimic the roman Coliseum.  No sweat, I constructed a wall complete with crumbled portions of the outer wall.  I also built a four foot diameter spherical ball, covered with chicken wire that served as a piñata.  This work elevated my status to “hero”.  I became known as a guy that would do all the grunt work while others claimed the credit.

My elevation to “hero” status granted me permission to attend some of the upper crust functions and parties held after school in private homes.  These functions continued after graduation since none of the upper crust wished to be downgraded to “common citizen” after so many years of “fame and fortune” while in high school.

At times we played really adult games like “spin the bottle”.  What fun.  Then one time the bottle stopped in front of me.  I was dumbstruck because I had never kissed a girl before.  What to do??  What made the situation worse was the fact that the “kissee” was Pat Lacroix, possibly the prettiest girl in the class.  I, as the “kisser” had no choice but to carry through.  Agony cannot describe my feelings.  Quick as a flash, I decided that my only option was to act as though it was old hat.  After all, I had seen enough movies to know how the hero accomplished the task.  I grabbed Pat, bent her back, and planted a big kiss on her lips, AND DID NOT LET GO. Hoots, laughter, and applause erupted.  When I finally let her go, she looked at me and said, “Wow”.  (I guess that I must have done it right).  I went back and seated myself on the floor, rubbed my hands together and said, “Let’s do it again”.  Some people might not remember their first kiss.  I assure you that when it is accompanied by sheer terror, you can never forget it.

Dal

The art of kissing

The Art of Kissing

And other related actions.

The first kiss was devised by a woman shortly after Eve was tossed out of the Garden of Eden.  Woman, being hungry and in need of sustenance would approach a man, any man, and smell his breath to see if he had consumed anything of interest.  If she smelled something like biere (old spelling) she would not pursue this guy any further, but would approach another man and repeat the same function to detect anything that smelled good.  When coming upon such a man, she would press her mouth against his to get a better sense of what he had consumed.  If it was really good, she might even insert her tongue into his mouth to get a really better sample.  This action was called “French kissing” because it was developed in the south of France. (My sources have positively confirmed this) Man, not being entirely stupid, knew this might lead to something that interests most men.  No, not football, something of much more  interesting!!!  If he was not entirely a cave man, he would be willing to share his source of nourishment in turn for “unspecified favors”.

Looking forward to such “unspecified favors” man might even grasp woman around the shoulders to be sure that she got a good sample of his attributes.  In order to assure that she could not escape his grasp, he might even bend her over backwards to get her off balance.  For some reason, this odd ritual seemed to inflame the passions of both parties participating in the activity.

After sharing in his bounty with the woman, man was eager to collect the “unspecified favors” from woman.  This sometimes resulted in a thing called “children”   This woman using her wiles to assure a steady food source, had more children than a woman that tended to forage for herself.  Over time woman found that painting her lips and whitening her teeth seemed to attract the male.  This created a thing called “sex” which is the cause of many of the problems in today’s world.

Man also had his desires in the type of woman in which he was interested. Man was interested in spreading his seed over a wide area, much the same as a thistle opens its blossom and allows its seed to be blown by the wind over a large expanse

To accomplish this end, man looked for a specific type of woman.  One with wide hips assured an easy entry to the land of the living by his offspring.  This accounts for mans interest today in the “gluteus maximum” of the opposite gender.  In a similar fashion, man wanted to be sure that his offspring was well nourished; thus his interest (even today) in large “mammary glands”.  Woman, not being as dense, as once thought (by man) learned to enhance her wares by development of her charms.  Thus the wiggle of the former and the up thrusting of the latter items listed above.

Like all males of the species, man desired a large “harem” thus assuring a variety in the “unspecified favors” mentioned above.  To develop this “harem” man had to be stronger than his male opponents and smarter in catching and retaining food.  This resulted in a thing later termed “war”, also called “progress”.  “Progress” also resulted in the development of such things as the “Wheel”, the “Lever” and the “inclined plane”, as well as theories about gravity and how the planets rotate about the sun. Studies of asteroids striking the earth were also made.  I know this is hard to relate to the smelling of one’s breath, but trust me.  I have completely researched the theory and can attest to it.  I have watched others participate in the aforementioned actions (no not as a pervert, peeking around corners), rather as seeing the activities being performed openly in public by the young people of this generation.

The above dissertation is written to warn all people about a subject called “dating”. During a “date” some or all of the activities including gravity and rotation listed above may take place.  There!!!  Man and woman have been warned of the consequences of progress.

Tongue in cheek, Dal