The art of kissing

The Art of Kissing

And other related actions.

The first kiss was devised by a woman shortly after Eve was tossed out of the Garden of Eden.  Woman, being hungry and in need of sustenance would approach a man, any man, and smell his breath to see if he had consumed anything of interest.  If she smelled something like biere (old spelling) she would not pursue this guy any further, but would approach another man and repeat the same function to detect anything that smelled good.  When coming upon such a man, she would press her mouth against his to get a better sense of what he had consumed.  If it was really good, she might even insert her tongue into his mouth to get a really better sample.  This action was called “French kissing” because it was developed in the south of France. (My sources have positively confirmed this) Man, not being entirely stupid, knew this might lead to something that interests most men.  No, not football, something of much more  interesting!!!  If he was not entirely a cave man, he would be willing to share his source of nourishment in turn for “unspecified favors”.

Looking forward to such “unspecified favors” man might even grasp woman around the shoulders to be sure that she got a good sample of his attributes.  In order to assure that she could not escape his grasp, he might even bend her over backwards to get her off balance.  For some reason, this odd ritual seemed to inflame the passions of both parties participating in the activity.

After sharing in his bounty with the woman, man was eager to collect the “unspecified favors” from woman.  This sometimes resulted in a thing called “children”   This woman using her wiles to assure a steady food source, had more children than a woman that tended to forage for herself.  Over time woman found that painting her lips and whitening her teeth seemed to attract the male.  This created a thing called “sex” which is the cause of many of the problems in today’s world.

Man also had his desires in the type of woman in which he was interested. Man was interested in spreading his seed over a wide area, much the same as a thistle opens its blossom and allows its seed to be blown by the wind over a large expanse

To accomplish this end, man looked for a specific type of woman.  One with wide hips assured an easy entry to the land of the living by his offspring.  This accounts for mans interest today in the “gluteus maximum” of the opposite gender.  In a similar fashion, man wanted to be sure that his offspring was well nourished; thus his interest (even today) in large “mammary glands”.  Woman, not being as dense, as once thought (by man) learned to enhance her wares by development of her charms.  Thus the wiggle of the former and the up thrusting of the latter items listed above.

Like all males of the species, man desired a large “harem” thus assuring a variety in the “unspecified favors” mentioned above.  To develop this “harem” man had to be stronger than his male opponents and smarter in catching and retaining food.  This resulted in a thing later termed “war”, also called “progress”.  “Progress” also resulted in the development of such things as the “Wheel”, the “Lever” and the “inclined plane”, as well as theories about gravity and how the planets rotate about the sun. Studies of asteroids striking the earth were also made.  I know this is hard to relate to the smelling of one’s breath, but trust me.  I have completely researched the theory and can attest to it.  I have watched others participate in the aforementioned actions (no not as a pervert, peeking around corners), rather as seeing the activities being performed openly in public by the young people of this generation.

The above dissertation is written to warn all people about a subject called “dating”. During a “date” some or all of the activities including gravity and rotation listed above may take place.  There!!!  Man and woman have been warned of the consequences of progress.

Tongue in cheek, Dal