How to write a letter to the editor

How in God’s green earth can you write a meaningful, sensible letter to the editor?  The answer is really very simple.  All you have to do is follow a few easy rules.  Those rules will be explained below.

The first thing you have to do is get the reader’s immediate attention.  You can do this by using what is called a H.H.C.  (That stands for Ho-Hum-Crasher)  The H.H.C. must be followed by a W.B.T.U.  (That stands for Why Bring That Up)  The W.B.T.U. tells the reader why you used the H.H.C. in the first place. It was to get his attention, and how it is related to the subject matter you intend to put forth.  I hope the use of the acronyms is not confusing.  It is not meant to be.

After you have gotten the reader’s attention and told him the subject, you must give solid fact based information to back up your argument.  This information is called F.I.’s (For Instance)  The number of F.I.’s should be at least three, but usually not more than five as you do not want to  bore the reader to death.  Each F.I. should be such that the reader can easily verify the information.  An Opinion based F.I. is just that, and can be dismissed by someone that disagrees with the statement.  If you use a fact based F.I., the reader can easily research the matter through simple logic or some simple research.

After you have presented your F.I.’s, you then use a S.W. (So What) to summarize your argument.  This S.W. should be precise and not long winded.  You do not want to confuse the reader. You want him to understand why you wrote the article in the first place.

Now, assuming that you have completed this article, please reread it and see if I followed my own rules.

Dal Wolf.  Naples and   “Up North”

Obamacare -- Again

Connie and I went to Wal-Mart today to pick up a prescription and buy some last minute stocking stuffers.  While waiting for the prescription to be filled I decided to again check my blood pressure.  You may remember the problem I had the last time with the new testing equipment and its digital display.  It was no better this time.  I placed my arm in the BP cuff and pushed the start button.  The same thing that happened the last time happened again.  The machine tried to get me to sign up for Obamacare!!!  This time you could tell the system was in a state of desperation.  It promised me that if I signed up at once for the cheapest plan that I would get a “partridge in a pear tree” as a bonus..

Since I could sense the machines desperation since this was the last day (in the original plan) to sign up.  I decided to attempt to negotiate.  I countered, asking for ten Lords-a-leaping and eight maids-a-milking at the very least.  The display blinked a couple of times and made some counter offers.  We finally agreed that I would get three French hens and two turtle doves along with the partridge in a pear tree if I enrolled right now.  So I signed up.

The digital display again blinked a couple of times and then spelled out that since I had successfully signed up for Obama care I was ELIGIBLE to enter a lottery for the three French hens, the doves and the partridge after I had run up the $10,000 deductable that my plan called for..  I tried to object but the screen flashed a message that read,

“If you like this crap, you can keep this crap”.            Then the system went down.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year. 

Foot Ball by Old Ladies

I watched the football game on Dish channel 154 last night.  The CURDS were playing the RUMS.  What a sad excuse for a football game.  The Curds won by 6 points but did not score a touchdown.  That is the first time since that has happened to the Curds since 2005.  For the mathematically troubled, that is NINE years. It is important to know that scoring in football is usually accomplished by making TOUCHDOWNS.  The Curds are apparently unfamiliar with this tactic.  Usually only girls in tight short and sports bras kick the ball over a goal line to score points.  This game is called SOCK-HER.

There are two ways to score touchdowns in football.  One is called “rushing”, the other is “passing”.  In a pass play one player, usually the “quarterback” throws the ball to a “receiver”.  This receiver is usually a “back” or an “end”.  The receiver is either in the end zone or attempts to get into the end zone. If the receiver is successful in getting into the end zone he usually performs a ritual of some sort.  This ritual can vary but is usually only understood by the player.  It can range from a sort of dance to hurling oneself into the stands.  This “touchdown” is worth six points.  The Curds are evidentially unaware of this fact since they  play like girls and only kick the ball.

The “rushing” play is more straightforward and is borderline suicidal.  It amounts to a player hurling his body into 2000 pounds of opposing team flesh or running like a thief carrying a stolen watermelon around the aforementioned mass of flesh. This “rush” is usually performed by a “quarterback”, a “halfback”, a “fullback”, or a “tailback”.  (The writer has no idea of the difference ) After a successful touchdown via rushing there is seldom a celebration of any sort as the ball carrier is happy to get out alive.

As mentioned in detail above since the Curds are unfamiliar with the scoring techniques in football, it would be wise to change the color of their uniforms from red to pink and trade in their cleats for high heels.   Dal

 

Bug hut tharepy

Before you view the attached photos an explanation is required.  We have a “screened in” gazebo in our yard at the lake.  The “ladies of the lake” (our female friends and neighbors) like to congregate in the gazebo after dark on weekend nights.  What exactly goes on remains a mystery to me because no males are allowed to be present at these gatherings?  There is a large amount of laughing, giggling, and even a shriek now and then.  There are usually two people present that I do not know.  Their names are “Margaret” and “Rita” I suspect that copious amounts of spirits are consumed because of these two.  The “ladies” all insist that what goes on is referred to as BHT.  I just found out that acronym stands for Bug Hut Therapy.  

The activity is so popular that the ladies decided to commemorate the BUG HUT with a stone plaque that will be installed next to the gazebo door.   The engraved stone plaque simply states BUG HUT and has a picture of a martini glass.  The first picture below was taken during the presentation which was fittingly taken at our Halloween party this fall.

The second picture was taken On Christmas day here in Naples.  That plaque was made from a spare piece of bathroom paneling, some old valentine decorations and some spare stencil letters.  We thought it fitting that our lake friends should be able to enjoy “BUG HUT” throughout the year, especially when it is cold and snowy up north.  Note that it is always five PM here in Naples.

With tongue firmly in cheek;   Dal

Translation

I am really surprised that there is such uproar about the sign translator that was employed by South Africa during the recent memorial service for Nelson Mandela.  People complained that his gestures were complete gibberish.  Being somewhat knowledgeable about signing I can state that nothing could be further from the truth.  Almost everything that President Obama said during his address was signed clear as a bell.  For example:

The first thing that the president did was to quote George H.W. Bush when he said, “Read my lips”.  Did you not catch that?  The second quotation was from one of his many speeches, i.e.  “If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance”.  I thought the translator nailed that one spot on.  The next one was again from one of his speeches.  I did not catch it all but I did see “most transparent administration”.  The fellow doing the signing was giggling so much that his movements were a bit blurred.

Last but certainly not least was the quotation from Bill Clinton’s statements before the congress during his impeachment proceedings, “I did not have sex with that woman”.  I am sure that if you view one of the many reruns we have seen of the translator you will surely agree with me.

Dal

Situation in Syria

The current administration policy in Syria reminds me of a joke I remember from long ago when I was a kid.  It seems there was a farmer that had a pet goat and a pet monkey.  The animals were good pals and the farmer kept them in a pen together.  It seems that the goat developed a bad case of diarrhea.  The farmer, not wanting to make a mess of things and to also protect the monkey, placed a corncob in the goat’s rectum.  Problem solved?  No, it seems the corncob caused extreme pressure on the goat’s lower bowels.  The monkey, being a curious animal and somewhat playful, grabbed the corncob and removed it from the goat’s rear.  Get ready for this!!

The last scene showed the goat chewing it’s cud with a relieved expression on its face.  The monkey was holding one hand over his eyes and blindly stabbing the air with the corncob attempting to replace it in the goat’s rectum.

Can you draw a better analogy? 

twerking

I am sure that the term ‘TWERKING” has you confused as it does me since we learned of it due to a dance performed by Myley Cyrus.  I consulted my trusty American Heritage dictionary for some help.  I could not find the term “twerking” but I did find several similar words starting with “TW “that may shed some light on the subject.

 

First there is the work TWERP.  That is defined as a small person.

Next there is TWIDDLE.  That is described as “to twirl or rotate without purpose”

Then there is the word TWEAK.  That definition is to “twist sharply”

Lastly there is TWINGE.  That is a sharp sudden pain.

 

From the above I think it is only fair to say that TWERKING is the act of a small person rotating without purpose while twisting sharply resulting in sharp sudden pain

 

Glad to be able to clear that up.   Dal