Global warming

Global Warming and other things that worry me.

There is one aspect of the global warming crises that really worries me.  No, it is not the fact that Algore will become a zillionaire because of the cap and trade that is supposed to solve the problem by taxing your tail off.  The real crisis is the methane caused by cows that pass methane gas.

The only way to allow Algore and G.E. to make money off the cow methane is to tax the cow.  I do not personally know any cow that presently pays any taxes, do you?  If you cannot tax the cow, then you must tax the owner of the cow, much the same as the government taxes your car.  The problem now arises as to how much the cow, or the cow owner should pay.

Should the tax be determined by the size of the cow, its age, or by its accessories?  Does a cow with two horns pay more than a cow with no horns?  Would black cows be exempt from the tax?  How about “green cows”?  Will they get a tax break?

  The only fair way to determine what amount the cow will pay would be to install a meter on each cow to measure the frequency of methane discharge as well as the amount of methane expelled.  G.E. could manufacture the required meters at the same time they are creating the “smart grid”

  I have a personal fear of the methane tax.  I have a tendency to eat fast and therefore swallow a lot of air.  You engineers are aware, according to Newton, that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I expel the swallowed air much in the same way a cow expels the methane.  Will I be required to wear a “methane meter” much the same as the unfortunate cow?  Will I be taxed by the cubic feet of gas expelled or will there be a “flat flatus tax” assessed?

  This causes me to really be fearful because wearing a meter would embarrass me and I would have to hide the methane meter.  I could wear a hoop skirt or a bustle to hide the meter but this has the danger of someone mistaking my modesty for sexual dysfunction.  My only out would be to wear a bourka, much like a Muslim woman.  The problem here is that if I happened to speak to a male friend and was spotted by a Muslim man, I could be stoned to death

  As you can tell, this situation really has me worried. There is another item that has me equally worried.  It is   PIG ODOR.  As I understand it is really bad in Iowa.  As I see it there are several things that could be done.  First would be to give the pigs a deodorant.  I don’t know if underarm deodorant would work as pigs do not have arms.  Someone would have to come up with an under ham and under shank deodorants or perhaps a combination of both.  This of course, would require a multi-million dollar grant from the government. The pigs could also be mandated by the government to take weekly baths.

   I have a much simpler solution to the problem but I can see why no one in government would consider it.  I would simply move the people upwind of the pigs or move the pigs downwind from the people.  Damn I am smart.    

  Turtle mortality also bothers me.  It can be a real problem in Florida.  In Florida the turtles are much like the people. They cannot read.  They tend to cross the roads where there are no crosswalks.  The result is that turtle meets tire and the result is the turtle tends to lose the encounter.  Fortunately our congress has come up with a plan to install “turtle underpasses” at strategic points along the hi-ways.  The only thing that has not been determined is how Algore can get his bread hooks on the stimulus money.  As soon as that is figured out, construction can begin.

Since I started this missile the government has come up with several ideas; among them are the “Cash for Clunkers” program and the latest version of “Obamacare”.  God help us all!!!