Never use a stop watch to time your wife’s labor pains.
If someone spits on the floor in front of you, it means he doesn’t like you.
If your boss says that you are too valuable to promote, he is lying.
If you have an impossible job and you explain that to your boss and he offers to fire you, it is permissible to go back to your desk and have a good cry. When your snot starts to pile up on your desk pad, it is time to stop. Blow your nose, dry your eyes, grit your teeth, and soldier on.
If the same boss stops by your desk while you are working and says, “I hear that you are going to have a hemorrhoid operation”. “When you come back to work you will be a perfect -------, so how would you like to have a job in work measurements”. Jump at the chance.
Never argue with your wife. She is smarter than you are.
Thank God that HE was wise enough to bless you with the wife you have, rather than the dizzy blond that you were chasing before you met your wife.
Bite the bullet and accept minor punishment, rather than see someone else suffer a major career setback. You will get over it and never regret it.
Never pull a manure spreader full of pig droppings too fast. Really dirty corncobs will defy the laws of physics as well as gravity and whack you in the back of the head.
Mow your lawn carefully if your yard line is close to where your neighbor chains his dog.
Treat your kids nicely. After all, they are miniature versions of you and they will be the ones that cry at your funeral.
Give those same kids $1000 (or more) each year for Christmas. They will know that it comes from the heart and will be able to buy something they really want (and need). They will think of you every time they enjoy the item. (This is especially true if you are a cheapskate)
Rake the leaves in your yard so that they do not blow over on your neighbor’s yard. Better yet, gather up his leaves.
Feed the neighbors dog “doggie treats” every day. The dog will be a loyal friend but you do not have to worry about his upkeep
The guy in the office that glad hands everyone and slaps the boss on the back usually ends up being a politician.
If you go for a job interview and the interviewer tells you that you do not have the education or experience to do the job, it means that he wants someone that he can pay less.
Be proud of what you have accomplished in life. Work so that you can be proud.
Decorate your house the way your wife wants. After all, she spends more time than you do. You can always retreat to your shop or garage or the basement to enjoy your own environment.
If your wife wants a sports car, buy her one. That way you can have at least a partial choice and she will not end up with a pile of iron. Better yet, let her buy it by herself. That way you are not to blame for anything.
Keep in touch with your kids. Call them at least once a week. Better yet, get them in the habit of calling you.
Do things with your wife. Play golf with her at least once a year even if you dislike golf. Go out for lunch or dinner once a week. She will appreciate the chance to get out and be with you. For God’s sake don’t take her to a cheap eating establishment.
Let your wife enjoy time with her female friends, doing things she enjoys. After all, she spent time raising the kids while you were socializing at work.
Admire her flowers.
Treat your neighbor with respect. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell him that he full of condensed owl droppings up to his eyebrows if you say it in a nice way.
I wish that I had followed all my “rules”. I have not, but I would have been a better person if I had.
Dal Wolf
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