The new toilet

This story begins with Connie’s decision to have new vinyl plank flooring installed in one of the bathrooms.  Needless to say, I was a silent partner in the selection of the color and pattern.  As a matter of fact, one salesman asked me my opinion.  I replied, “I have no dog in this fight”.  He understood.

On the day of installation, the installer told me that he would have to remove the old toilet.  That was music to my ears because the old toilet had started to make threatening noises.  I could almost imagine that it was swearing at me.  A quick trip to Home Depot allowed the salesperson to talk Connie into buying an expensive model.  What the hell, its only money and I could still remember the threats emanating from the old stool.

  The new flooring and the new stool were installed without an incident.  The new commode stood grandly in the corner of the bath. The new stool, one of those low water use models sounds very aggressive in action.  At least it is not swearing at me.  I had my revenge on the old stool.  I laughed at it as it lay forlornly on its side at the curb waiting for the trash man to take it on its final journey.  Let it swear at the trash man.  He would probably kick it in the bowl.

  The new stool had one difference in construction as compared to the old stool that I noticed immediately.  The seat opening was about 1 ½” to 2” narrower than was the old seat.  Precision alignment was critical when placing one’s gluteus maximus in the correct position for action.  This was only a minor problem until late at night a trip to the bathroom was required. I was made painfully aware of an old law of physics. That holds true to this day.  “Force is equal to the mass of an object multiplied by its acceleration”. Due to the Incorrect alignment of my right cheek and the toilet seat I can attest to its validity. My right testicle was trapped in the middle of the two aforementioned objects.   This brings to mind another of Newtons laws.  “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.  Newton ignored the additional hopping, jumping, swearing, and the action of rendering one instantly awake in his law.

  Being trapped at home due to a complete shutdown brings out the worst in us.