FLYING TO FLORIDA - 2021

Flying to Florida – 2021

We left Flint Michigan at 12:02 PM on November 7, 2021 and arrived in Punta Gorda, Florida at

4:42 that afternoon. A friend picked us up and an hour later we were at our winter home in

Naples. The trip was not without incident. Allow me to explain in the following essay which will

contain many truths, half-truths, and a few downright lies.

Allegiant Airlines told us that it was necessary to be at the airport two hours before our

departure. We did just as we were told. The problem is that frequent fliers know the airlines

always lie about departure times. The wise people get there three hours early and do not have

to wait in line. There were 75 people ahead of us when we arrived. Lesson learned.

When it came our turn to be checked in, we had to show our boarding passes and photo I.D. I

told the lady behind the counter that the handsome dude in the picture was really me. She just

looked at me and grunted. I interpreted her grunt as a friendly one, but one ever knows for

sure.

We followed our bags along a conveyor until they disappeared into a tunnel. There was a

huge bulge in the middle of the tunnel. I knew it was either an X-ray machine to look of knives

and guns or a hammer mill to destroy our suitcases and save the baggage handlers the trouble.

Since our bags appeared unscathed at the other end, I surmised that it must have been an X-ray

machine.

Next came the TSA check. Unloading the carry-on was not so bad but I had to go through the

scanner three times. Once for my belt buckle, once for my pacemaker, and a third time for my

cochlear implant. I can only say that I was fortunate that I was not wearing my cast iron jock

strap. Then it was back to repack my carry on. The fellow ahead of me had his satchel half full

of condoms. He must have been a condom salesman with a portable showcase. Either that or

he had a large weekend planned. And it was already noon on Saturday. The TSA lady

inspecting the items just stood there bug eyed, with her mouth gaping open. I would not

hazard to guess her thoughts.

After the TSA inspection we had to walk 4 miles to the boarding gate. There was a separate

line for Vets to get our boarding passes scanned, so we took that line. It was longer than the

regular draft dodger line. One poor guy did not have a smart phone with the Allegiant app, so

he had to fill out a form. I think that cost him extra.

Then we boarded the plane and found our seats. The lady sitting next to the window was an

interesting person. She was at least 35 years old but was wearing Levi’s with huge holes in the

knees. She was sitting there with her legs spread apart. With my vast knowledge of convection

air currents, I knew in an instant that the purpose of the holes in the knees was to cause a draft

to cool off the gates of hell. And you thought I was stupid. She had a portable video player

with an external battery. She watched a video during the whole flight. I glanced over (just

once) and saw that the video was a bunch of naked people dancing. I have no idea if it was a

porn movie or just an instructional video.

Before we took off the pilot gave a long speech about something or other. He had a Latino

accent, but I heard him mention, “Cerveza, Dos Equis, and Cinco”. I do not know if it meant

that we got five free beers on the flight or that he had had five Double X beers before takeoff.

After the pilot was finished with his speech the IOU stewardess, (Inept, Old, &; Ugly) gave her

own speech. I heard her mention “fuel oil, orange juice, and free”. She mentioned the “free”

at least 10 times. I was not able to figure out what was free, and I do not wish to speculate. On

top of that, she was wearing an orange life vest during her monologue and explained how to

use it if we crashed in the gulf.

Then we took off. The first hour was uneventful but then we hit some turbulence. The pilot

warned us ahead of time, but it was no big deal. No wings fell off because the folks three rows

ahead of us were holding them on. The fellow across the aisle from me was wearing a walking

boot splint. He got excited about the turbulence. He jumped up from his seat and started

shouting “We’re all gonna die. We’re all gonna die. I will have to admit that the IOU

stewardess handled the situation like a professional. She approached the guy and solidly

planted a knee in his groin and then a heel on the top of his walking boot, all in one smooth

action. He immediately sat down and did not un-ass his seat for the rest of the flight.

Then we landed. We taxied at least several miles until we finally stopped somewhere close to

the terminal. Many people (including me) immediately jumped from their seats and grabbed

their bags from the overhead. Then we all stood there for twenty minutes. The frequent flyers

were smart enough to just sit there and wait their turn to disembark.

As we exited the plane each person ripped off his or her mask. At the bottom of the stairs

were two TSA employees saying to each passenger, “masks on, masks on”. If I were a young

person fresh out of college, I do not think that would be a career path I would wish to follow. As

my late father used to say, “that is as worthless as tits on a boar hog”

The baggage claim was uneventful. Almost every bag was different. It did strike me as a good

idea to code your baggage. Our neighbor picked us up at the airport and drove us to Naples.

She was right on time and delivered us to our door.  Her rate was very competitive.